20 sure-fire tips to make your child fat
This is a list I came up with, in no particular order, of some of the top ways to make your child obese. I’m not claiming this list is comprehensive, but I feel if you follow some of these strategies you should see significant weight gain in your children.
- Remember, your child knows more about health and nutrition than you do, be sure to always let him call all of the dietary shots. Allow your child to pick his own food. Make him whatever he asks for.
- Fix special meals for your children because “they won’t eat the normal ‘gown up’ food”
- Proclaim that your kid can not have fast food, and eat McDonald’s in front of him/her at least once per week
- Don’t let your children help prepare meals. Make sure you dumb down their eating experience as much as possible.
- Children are always growing! If they aren’t hungry make sure to force them to have extra servings so that you can feed that growth spurt. You know better than a child how much it takes to make them feel full.
- Your child is a “picky” eater, therefore it is OK to always feed them chicken fingers.
- Never serve vegetables in their natural state. Your children will be disgusted by the sight of natural vegetables. If you serve your kids vegetables make sure you dice them into a muffin or otherwise hide them from your children.
- If your kids misbehave do not allow them to have ice-cream. If your kids behave, give them as much ice cream as they can handle. Praise = Food, bad behavior = no food. (This is a key habit to establish obesity throughout life, so be sure to do this one!!)
- Promise your child that if he eats some plain unseasoned vegetables you are offering him that he will get to eat a large cookie as a reward.
- Make sure to always serve your children’s vegetables as a soggy pile of unseasoned steamed vegetables. We do not want them to associate eating healthy food with enjoyment. Make sure it is viewed as a chore with a sugary treat as a reward.
- If your child refuses to eat a new food, give up immediately and give him a hot dog. Obviously he is just picky and will never try new things. In the future only serve hot dogs.
- Avoid using forks, spoons, and knives until at least 16 years of age.
- Be overweight yourself. This sets a great example. If you are overweight, be sure not to establish any new habits that would reverse this. Your child might pick up on those.
- Establish a routine of television watching. Always drink Soda while doing this.
- Water is for losers: always give your child juice or soda.
- Skip breakfast completely. If you do end up eating breakfast only eat marshmallow based cereals.
- Do not limit your child’s access to video game consoles
- With rising skin cancer rates you can not afford to let your child play outside, instead rent some movies for them.
- How annoying is it when your kid wants to help you when you are trying to get stuff done!? If your child wants to help you with projects around the house or the yard it is probably because they have watched all the DVDs you have. Consider netflix streaming, or possibly go to redbox and get more DVDs.
- Once you start noticing your child is fat, put them on a low calorie diet and tell them they can not have *ANY* sweets until they hit weight loss goals. Establish a firm Yo-Yo diet template early.
This post is intended to be satire. This post will undoubtedly make a few people angry. Please understand that I do not live my life perfectly. I struggle with the same issues as most modern people. I’m not trying to put anyone down, I am trying to raise awareness through a bit of humor… so if you are mad after reading this LIGHTEN UP!!
I am a new father and am highly concerned with the rising rates of childhood obesity. It is my opinion that the loss of family dinner time and the kitchen as the center of the household are two causative factors here. We can blame school lunches or other factors, but the fact is you have control over your children and ultimately it is your fault if they are obese.
My Son is only 4 months old, so I understand that I haven’t experienced these challenges just yet. This list is a warning for myself as much or more than it is a chastisement of modern families.